Full Circle

A long, long time ago, in a land a day's drive away, I went to graduate school to get my MS in geology. This was long before Senior Jefe and I met.
I had gone to see a colloquium talk and been invited to lunch with the speaker who told me about this amazing project he had in Albania that he was looking for someone to work on. I immediately said yes. Shortly thereafter, I was off to far away land to do my thesis.
My advisor is/was brilliant. He is incredibly well known. He was incredibly demanding and we fought a lot. However brutal I feel my PhD has been at time, it is nothing compared to my MS. I suffered. I cried all the time. It was hell. I remember thinking over and over again about quitting science all together. I felt so worthless.  I felt like no matter what I did, it was never good enough. When I think back on that time, I remember those feelings. They are ghosts that have haunted me throughout my PhD and they have affected how I have performed at various points because I have carried that self-doubt with me.
After I finished, things changed between my advisor and I and we have become friends after a fashion, in the way that I am friends with my parents.
He wasn't really thrilled that I dropped out of my PhD program v. 1.0 after I got married and less thrilled that I went to work a real job, but when I approached him about him helping me get back into school, he was very supportive. He wasn't really happy with me moving so far afield of people he knew in geology and he made that clear at the time, but now he has become good friends with my advisors.
So, my MS advisor came to BIGU to give a talk this week. I was invited to lunch with him and my current advisor, which is kind of like having your separated parents chat mostly about you while you sit there. It was quite odd. Afterwards we chatted about his future retirement plans and I think I realized for the first time that he was not this larger than life figure that had loomed in my imagination all these years is as human as I am.
Afterward he gave a talk about his current research, which builds directly on some of the concepts developed during my MS thesis. As he talked, I finally realized that his engaging speaking style, coupled with great locations for research around the world and novel ideas are exactly why I decided to be his student all those years ago. I also realized that I would happily follow him down that hole, suffering and all, all over again in a heartbeat. It was no accident that I ended up his student.
Today, my MS advisor and I chatted about some research directions that we might have in common. Ideas are the currency of the academic. Then we drove over to main campus so that he could chat with our department chair. The chair was running behind and so we sat down in the conference room to chat while we waited.
He told me, "I am really proud of you."
That's a direct quote.
I almost cried. I couldn't help but think of all of the years I would have lived and died for his approval and never felt that I had it. I finally get it once I had decided it was a lost cause and I just needed to move on.
He continued by telling me his advice for becoming a faculty member and he told me what he thought my career prospects would likely be. I realized that I have just been told that I am going to the show. It's just a matter of what team I end up playing for.
It's such a strange thing. I am utterly overwhelmed by the experience. I may have a new project. It's too early to discuss that here. It appears the grass crown, at least in the short run may be mine for the taking.
I never thought I would utter such an idea.