This week has been crazy.
Thursday the flooring people came and then proceeded to tell me that I didn't ask for base shoe. I did. This meant I spent the morning on the phone with their bosses. I was particularly freaked out when the flooring people said they couldn't install the base shoe in time because they would have to put it on wet which would ruin the floor. Their boss, at least, was horrified that they said this to me and assured me everything would be taken care of appropriately. Then I had to run home at lunch to deliver the paint I had been using for the trim to the flooring people.
They got the Living Room, Hallway, and half the Dining Room on Thursday. That night I had to quickcrete the hole in the laundry room and finish prepping the rest of the floor. The A/C went out that night.
Friday ended up even crazier than Thursday. The flooring people were late, and sent half a crew, but assured me they would be done by lunch and that I would need to be home by then. Of course I had a lunch meeting so this was impossible. So I went to the dentist, then ran home to see if they would be done at lunch...no dice. They hadn't even finished the kitchen. Then ran to a 2 hr lunch meeting with my advisor. Ran back home to check...still not done, but the AC guy had been by so that was working better. Then I ran to work and came home at 4 pm...they still weren't done until after 5 pm.
Of course I had to leave because I had to head off to a bbq. At the bbq I ran into my friend's friend we'll call Sam. Two weeks ago my friend invited me to a jewelry party Sam was hosting, telling me she was struggling a bit and this would help. So I bought a ring and thought nothing of it. Well, I ran into Sam at the bbq and she starts telling me about how she also has a side photography business and she's been doing a bunch of shoots on the base. I told her I thought that was nice and would probably provide her with steady business, after all military families have to document, especially with the OPTEMPO the way it is. She agrees, but says she because the girl she shot this week was 18, newlywed, uneducated, and pregnant. I made an off-hand remark about how not all military spouses are that way and she stops me mid-sentence and tells me that "You don't even know. They're ALL like that...."
My friend, being the good hostess that she is, interjects to tell her I am a military spouse, which drops the conversation temporarily, but it's clear from the look on her face that she has more to say.
At this point, I decided to be an ass. My friend asked me why she hadn't seen me lately and I said, "Well, you know getting a PhD in science is really time consuming." I'll let Sam fill in the blanks from there. It's the ultimate, I'm going to be an ass without saying I am being an ass. She got up and left, which worked for me. The rest of us had a great evening.
Then yesterday, I spent the day rearranging the house post construction and dropping my car off to get the window repaired. The AC is holding steady....YAY!
Today is all about writing the proposal. The guy I might work with in Michigan is very hands off, but supportive, so that is good news. I can deal with that combo and my meeting with J (1/2 of the advisor duo) on Friday helped clarify what I need to do.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Pardon my angst
Memorial Day taught me a lot of things.
Contrary to what many of us believe, Memorial Day is NOT about the fallen. It is not about their sacrifices or their families' sacrifices.
It IS about BBQ, music, fireworks, and (let us not forget) the all important SALES.
This was brought home to me in a big way this Memorial Day. Normally I spend the day in quiet contemplation away from people. It's just easier. I tend to emote when I think about my family who have given so much over so many generations. Emoting is NOT acceptable here in the Heartland. This is something that has been drilled into me over 4 years. I can feel whatever I want as long as I smile, look happy, say all the right things, and make sure other people are comfortable. This means I avoid people... a lot.
But I digress.
I tried to set aside my reclusive side this year, to encourage others to remember the reasons for the day. It was awful. Americans do not want to remember. They accosted me. Apparently it's the military's fault we've been in a state of war for the past decade. I was in a position where I couldn't really call them out, but oh I wanted to tell them how I really feel. You have no idea.
Then there were the, "Well, we're conscientious objectors..." so the military can kiss off (essentially). Um, I'm sorry, are you suggesting there are no conscientious objectors in the military? I know a few, so respectfully, you need to check yourself.
The clincher: A seat had been reserved for me at the concert for doing volunteer work and for being on my feet being accosted by people who only care about hot dogs and fireworks while plastering a fake smile on my face. I went to get my seat as the concert was starting and some asshole had taken it. When I tried to explain that these seats had been reserved for the organization I was volunteering for (a military related organization), he told me off and told me to go find other seats. Seriously?? I mean I was only supposed to sit there so that I could take pictures for the organization. Why on Earth would you think that your desire to sit up the mayor's asshole trumps actually doing work for military families? But, I couldn't say that. So I went and hunted down another seat.
A military family gave a speech about supporting our service members and their families, because any day could be the day that our lives come crashing down around us. Many of the military families there were crying. It was very emotional. Some guy leaned over and said, that lady's husband isn't dead, why are people emotional? I didn't know what to say. How do you explain to someone that we are talking about our worst fears, fears that many families in the audience that night had already experienced. It spoke to how profoundly disconnected our 1% of families from the rest of America. I don't understand how people do not understand the emotion and sentiment, the shared burden of sacrifice across our military families, our communal grief for each loss, whether we knew that service member personally or not.
Clearly I just do not understand the importance of BBQ, music, fireworks and sales when my countrymen are putting their lives, their American dreams, on the line to fulfill the political will of our country.
Were that all not enough, then my peacenik friends spent the weekend walking right up to the line where they would have gotten punched, talking about war, something they know nothing about. They argued that people who served in just wars have the peace of knowing they were doing the right thing, but apparently those who have served in this war have PTSD because they know that this war was unjust and they, therefore, committed unjust acts. Please tell me what to say to that that doesn't involve an assault conviction?
If these wars are unjust, then every American has blood on his/her hands, because the country rushed to war. They longed for it. They cried out for it in blood lust. To put the collective guilt for the conflict on those who were hired to carry out our nation's political will is profoundly disgusting and wrong. Of course this is where we are as a nation. Americans now know that Iraq, which they rushed to get involved in, was not justified. Rather than accept responsibility for using our service members to fight that war, to assuage their blood lust, they are using the military as the nation's scapegoat. It causes me significant consternation, because I am concerned that we are devolving to the same attitudes and sentiments observed as Vietnam wrapped up. I wonder if the ultimate defining characteristic of America will be the callousness of it's people toward those whom they have asked to make the ultimate sacrifice.
But like I said, it was national BBQ, music, fireworks, and sale day, not a day for quiet contemplation of who we are, what we stand for and how we honor the sacrifices of those who gave everything the nation asked and more.
Contrary to what many of us believe, Memorial Day is NOT about the fallen. It is not about their sacrifices or their families' sacrifices.
It IS about BBQ, music, fireworks, and (let us not forget) the all important SALES.
This was brought home to me in a big way this Memorial Day. Normally I spend the day in quiet contemplation away from people. It's just easier. I tend to emote when I think about my family who have given so much over so many generations. Emoting is NOT acceptable here in the Heartland. This is something that has been drilled into me over 4 years. I can feel whatever I want as long as I smile, look happy, say all the right things, and make sure other people are comfortable. This means I avoid people... a lot.
But I digress.
I tried to set aside my reclusive side this year, to encourage others to remember the reasons for the day. It was awful. Americans do not want to remember. They accosted me. Apparently it's the military's fault we've been in a state of war for the past decade. I was in a position where I couldn't really call them out, but oh I wanted to tell them how I really feel. You have no idea.
Then there were the, "Well, we're conscientious objectors..." so the military can kiss off (essentially). Um, I'm sorry, are you suggesting there are no conscientious objectors in the military? I know a few, so respectfully, you need to check yourself.
The clincher: A seat had been reserved for me at the concert for doing volunteer work and for being on my feet being accosted by people who only care about hot dogs and fireworks while plastering a fake smile on my face. I went to get my seat as the concert was starting and some asshole had taken it. When I tried to explain that these seats had been reserved for the organization I was volunteering for (a military related organization), he told me off and told me to go find other seats. Seriously?? I mean I was only supposed to sit there so that I could take pictures for the organization. Why on Earth would you think that your desire to sit up the mayor's asshole trumps actually doing work for military families? But, I couldn't say that. So I went and hunted down another seat.
A military family gave a speech about supporting our service members and their families, because any day could be the day that our lives come crashing down around us. Many of the military families there were crying. It was very emotional. Some guy leaned over and said, that lady's husband isn't dead, why are people emotional? I didn't know what to say. How do you explain to someone that we are talking about our worst fears, fears that many families in the audience that night had already experienced. It spoke to how profoundly disconnected our 1% of families from the rest of America. I don't understand how people do not understand the emotion and sentiment, the shared burden of sacrifice across our military families, our communal grief for each loss, whether we knew that service member personally or not.
Clearly I just do not understand the importance of BBQ, music, fireworks and sales when my countrymen are putting their lives, their American dreams, on the line to fulfill the political will of our country.
Were that all not enough, then my peacenik friends spent the weekend walking right up to the line where they would have gotten punched, talking about war, something they know nothing about. They argued that people who served in just wars have the peace of knowing they were doing the right thing, but apparently those who have served in this war have PTSD because they know that this war was unjust and they, therefore, committed unjust acts. Please tell me what to say to that that doesn't involve an assault conviction?
If these wars are unjust, then every American has blood on his/her hands, because the country rushed to war. They longed for it. They cried out for it in blood lust. To put the collective guilt for the conflict on those who were hired to carry out our nation's political will is profoundly disgusting and wrong. Of course this is where we are as a nation. Americans now know that Iraq, which they rushed to get involved in, was not justified. Rather than accept responsibility for using our service members to fight that war, to assuage their blood lust, they are using the military as the nation's scapegoat. It causes me significant consternation, because I am concerned that we are devolving to the same attitudes and sentiments observed as Vietnam wrapped up. I wonder if the ultimate defining characteristic of America will be the callousness of it's people toward those whom they have asked to make the ultimate sacrifice.
But like I said, it was national BBQ, music, fireworks, and sale day, not a day for quiet contemplation of who we are, what we stand for and how we honor the sacrifices of those who gave everything the nation asked and more.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
At least I am getting my money's worth
Tonight has been so much fun...not.
Gabbro was growling at something while I was trying to sleep and I ignored him.
A little while later the security alarm went off.
The front door was ajar.
I had forgotten to lock it earlier this evening. This is what happens when you are exhausted all the time. Anyway, no visible signs of forced entry.
Cops are keeping an eye out and I am too freaked out to sleep.
I guess the good news is that my alarm system did it's job, as did Gabbro.
That said, me and my K-bar are going to be close buddies for a while.
Update:
I seriously wanted to write this off as the wind, or something. I got chatting with my neighbors this weekend and they said that someone tried to break into their home around the same time, so it appears that I am more lucky than I thought.
Gabbro was growling at something while I was trying to sleep and I ignored him.
A little while later the security alarm went off.
The front door was ajar.
I had forgotten to lock it earlier this evening. This is what happens when you are exhausted all the time. Anyway, no visible signs of forced entry.
Cops are keeping an eye out and I am too freaked out to sleep.
I guess the good news is that my alarm system did it's job, as did Gabbro.
That said, me and my K-bar are going to be close buddies for a while.
Update:
I seriously wanted to write this off as the wind, or something. I got chatting with my neighbors this weekend and they said that someone tried to break into their home around the same time, so it appears that I am more lucky than I thought.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Profoundly Disconnected
Nothing I have to say right now is particularly appropriate. I suggest you not read this post. If you do, consider yourself forewarned.
Usually I write a small letter to the editor in support of military spouse appreciation day.
I just can't do it this year.
I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. Friday was our departmental award dinner. They always start off by thanking all the spouses who take care of everything so that we can be dedicated to our science.
It always chafes me.
It sounds so much like the thank yous proffered military peeps.
I have realized the reason it chafes so much from both parties is that on some level it reinforces male-dominated culture. Rather than seeking to develop equal partnerships, both organizations rely upon unpaid labor on behalf of the spouse (who is almost always female; about 15% of faculty are female...similar to the military) in order for the organization to function. These "slack-picker-uppers" are expected to dedicate themselves to supporting the mission of the organization and put it first. They're work is less important. Parenting is just "taking care of everything." Are children just things to be taken care of? Aren't they people?
I find over and over that the spouse in a male-dominated organization is expected to espouse the female stereotypical phenotype, regardless of gender. This suggests that even when women, like me achieve parity with men, our spouses are expected to pay the price for our success. Somehow this seems like a serious problem and deeply anti-feminist. Case in point, MSM ran a blog about military socializing and warned spouses not to avoid social events because it might make the servicemember look "not-too-committed." It's 2012 and yet whether it's official or not, servicemembers are judged by how well they control their women (oh, excuse me...spouses).
Senior Jefe's command is particularly asshattish in this regard. They have told him that they won't give him time off to come see me, because if he wanted to spend time with me, he should have forced me to move there. Meanwhile they stick him with all overnight watches, because the other people there have "families" and shouldn't have to make arrangements for childcare. That's discrimination. They have told him that they doubt his ability to lead because he doesn't "control his woman" and if he would just "knock me up" I wouldn't have time to be off pursuing my interests or my career....
Oh, but we'll send out a message thanking spouses for everything they do to make the mission possible.
Ok. My head has been officially patted. Can you fuck off now, please?
I guess I am just sick of all the hypocritical bullshit that is military spouse appreciation day. I am tired of being patronized. I read an NPR story tonight where a spouse commented that she feels like the military expects her to be two people the person who runs everything while the servicemember is gone and then someone who fades into the shadows when he returns. I just wanted to yell, "Yes, exactly." And I can't be that woman. I don't want to be and I am never going to be.
And really until the military can accept that spouses are more than simply servicers of their needs, I just don't want anything to do with this hollow, hypocritical holiday. It's not that I don't believe that military spouses make a lot of sacrifices and that they don't do amazing things. It's just that I can't get into reinforcing negative gender-based stereotypes anymore. I suppose this means I won't really be recognizing this day again before I matriculate from my association with this organization.
If that makes me a bad person, feel free to tie me to a stake and burn me.
Rant: Fin.
Usually I write a small letter to the editor in support of military spouse appreciation day.
I just can't do it this year.
I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. Friday was our departmental award dinner. They always start off by thanking all the spouses who take care of everything so that we can be dedicated to our science.
It always chafes me.
It sounds so much like the thank yous proffered military peeps.
I have realized the reason it chafes so much from both parties is that on some level it reinforces male-dominated culture. Rather than seeking to develop equal partnerships, both organizations rely upon unpaid labor on behalf of the spouse (who is almost always female; about 15% of faculty are female...similar to the military) in order for the organization to function. These "slack-picker-uppers" are expected to dedicate themselves to supporting the mission of the organization and put it first. They're work is less important. Parenting is just "taking care of everything." Are children just things to be taken care of? Aren't they people?
I find over and over that the spouse in a male-dominated organization is expected to espouse the female stereotypical phenotype, regardless of gender. This suggests that even when women, like me achieve parity with men, our spouses are expected to pay the price for our success. Somehow this seems like a serious problem and deeply anti-feminist. Case in point, MSM ran a blog about military socializing and warned spouses not to avoid social events because it might make the servicemember look "not-too-committed." It's 2012 and yet whether it's official or not, servicemembers are judged by how well they control their women (oh, excuse me...spouses).
Senior Jefe's command is particularly asshattish in this regard. They have told him that they won't give him time off to come see me, because if he wanted to spend time with me, he should have forced me to move there. Meanwhile they stick him with all overnight watches, because the other people there have "families" and shouldn't have to make arrangements for childcare. That's discrimination. They have told him that they doubt his ability to lead because he doesn't "control his woman" and if he would just "knock me up" I wouldn't have time to be off pursuing my interests or my career....
Oh, but we'll send out a message thanking spouses for everything they do to make the mission possible.
Ok. My head has been officially patted. Can you fuck off now, please?
I guess I am just sick of all the hypocritical bullshit that is military spouse appreciation day. I am tired of being patronized. I read an NPR story tonight where a spouse commented that she feels like the military expects her to be two people the person who runs everything while the servicemember is gone and then someone who fades into the shadows when he returns. I just wanted to yell, "Yes, exactly." And I can't be that woman. I don't want to be and I am never going to be.
And really until the military can accept that spouses are more than simply servicers of their needs, I just don't want anything to do with this hollow, hypocritical holiday. It's not that I don't believe that military spouses make a lot of sacrifices and that they don't do amazing things. It's just that I can't get into reinforcing negative gender-based stereotypes anymore. I suppose this means I won't really be recognizing this day again before I matriculate from my association with this organization.
If that makes me a bad person, feel free to tie me to a stake and burn me.
Rant: Fin.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Not entirely alone
Tonight was our department's honors banquet. Spoiler alert, all the awards went to people other than me. So it's not a post about that. It's a post about those bags that have those camouflage handbags so many milspouses wear and so many others bitch about.
They're AMAZING! Like, seriously. I AM IN LOVE.
I don't want one. It's not that kind of thing.
It's what they represent.
One of the hardest things about being here and doing this is being so very much alone in the world. Oh, I am sure there are/were other milspouses at BIGU. We are sandwiched between several bases here. But you never SEE them. We're incognito.
Sometimes I wish that weren't the case. Sometimes I wish there was at least one other person who gets how being stateside doesn't mean my relationship is peaches and cream, that I don't worry, that there is never danger, etc.
There have been so many days when I have wanted nothing more than to have a cup of coffee with someone who gets it.
It's not that I don't have lovely, wonderful milspouse friends. I do. I am incredibly blessed in that department. They're just not here. There is no shoulder to cry on when I need it. Civilians give me far too many, you're so lucky... blah, blah. Worse still, far to many do the gasp, omg when I explain it's been nearly 6 mos. Thanks, I didn't need a reminder that I am alone today. Or my personal favorite, people doing the academic brain dump about what they know about PTSD, or Wounded Warriors, etc...like you don't know what the research says, or worse that you would want to chat about these things in detail. It feels sometimes like people want to be authorities on your life and your friends lives without them having any understanding of how any of it feels...but they are going to tell you how it feels anyway.
I think out of all the things I have faced in graduate school, the persistent feeling of being a stranger in a strange land is the worst.
I try to bury it, to push it away, and pretend it's not there. In the end, this negatively impacts my relationship with Senior Jefe.
So I went through the proverbial rounds of this today at the banquet. I think the worst was people sitting there telling me about "Morality PTSD", which sounds pretty fucking similar to survivor's guilt, like I wouldn't know anything about it. In all fairness, I am not sure the woman caught that I was a milspouse. I don't bring it up in conversation. But then everyone at the table turned and stared at me while she spoke, looking for something... an AH HA moment, a moment of realization, or a confirmation, maybe a breakdown. I honestly don't know what they were looking for, so I sat there and stared straight back. By the dessert, I wanted to run for the hills.
And then it happened...
almost like a miracle...
I saw it.
A camoflauge bag with a name tag, rank, and flag...
It was a milspouse.
At our honor's banquet.
OMFG!
I nearly fell out of my chair.
So, I talked myself down enough to not go over there and gush...I mean how many milspouses are geologists? Surely this was an error, or I imagined it or something.
I went over and introduced myself and she's legit. Her husband is in the Army at Ft. Bragg, meaning she is doing this fucked up long-distance thing just like me. She's an undergrad in geoscience education.
OMFG... did I mention this is better than Christmas?
I am not entirely alone in the world, in this situation, in this life of limbo.
Maybe it's better than Christmas...more like Chanukah. I mean seriously what are the odds that I would meet someone anywhere close to being like me at BIGU?
Anyway, I just had to share.
They're AMAZING! Like, seriously. I AM IN LOVE.
I don't want one. It's not that kind of thing.
It's what they represent.
One of the hardest things about being here and doing this is being so very much alone in the world. Oh, I am sure there are/were other milspouses at BIGU. We are sandwiched between several bases here. But you never SEE them. We're incognito.
Sometimes I wish that weren't the case. Sometimes I wish there was at least one other person who gets how being stateside doesn't mean my relationship is peaches and cream, that I don't worry, that there is never danger, etc.
There have been so many days when I have wanted nothing more than to have a cup of coffee with someone who gets it.
It's not that I don't have lovely, wonderful milspouse friends. I do. I am incredibly blessed in that department. They're just not here. There is no shoulder to cry on when I need it. Civilians give me far too many, you're so lucky... blah, blah. Worse still, far to many do the gasp, omg when I explain it's been nearly 6 mos. Thanks, I didn't need a reminder that I am alone today. Or my personal favorite, people doing the academic brain dump about what they know about PTSD, or Wounded Warriors, etc...like you don't know what the research says, or worse that you would want to chat about these things in detail. It feels sometimes like people want to be authorities on your life and your friends lives without them having any understanding of how any of it feels...but they are going to tell you how it feels anyway.
I think out of all the things I have faced in graduate school, the persistent feeling of being a stranger in a strange land is the worst.
I try to bury it, to push it away, and pretend it's not there. In the end, this negatively impacts my relationship with Senior Jefe.
So I went through the proverbial rounds of this today at the banquet. I think the worst was people sitting there telling me about "Morality PTSD", which sounds pretty fucking similar to survivor's guilt, like I wouldn't know anything about it. In all fairness, I am not sure the woman caught that I was a milspouse. I don't bring it up in conversation. But then everyone at the table turned and stared at me while she spoke, looking for something... an AH HA moment, a moment of realization, or a confirmation, maybe a breakdown. I honestly don't know what they were looking for, so I sat there and stared straight back. By the dessert, I wanted to run for the hills.
And then it happened...
almost like a miracle...
I saw it.
A camoflauge bag with a name tag, rank, and flag...
It was a milspouse.
At our honor's banquet.
OMFG!
I nearly fell out of my chair.
So, I talked myself down enough to not go over there and gush...I mean how many milspouses are geologists? Surely this was an error, or I imagined it or something.
I went over and introduced myself and she's legit. Her husband is in the Army at Ft. Bragg, meaning she is doing this fucked up long-distance thing just like me. She's an undergrad in geoscience education.
OMFG... did I mention this is better than Christmas?
I am not entirely alone in the world, in this situation, in this life of limbo.
Maybe it's better than Christmas...more like Chanukah. I mean seriously what are the odds that I would meet someone anywhere close to being like me at BIGU?
Anyway, I just had to share.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Well I'll be a monkey's auntie
I found out I got a little $$ today to help me do research in Turkey this summer! Yay! I am excited. I love me some research!
I also found out that I will be included in BIGU's Women of Distinction calendar this coming year. WTH? Did the Earth stop spinning on it's axis? Seriously floored.
I also found out that I will be included in BIGU's Women of Distinction calendar this coming year. WTH? Did the Earth stop spinning on it's axis? Seriously floored.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)