Nothing I have to say right now is particularly appropriate. I suggest you not read this post. If you do, consider yourself forewarned.
Usually I write a small letter to the editor in support of military spouse appreciation day.
I just can't do it this year.
I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. Friday was our departmental award dinner. They always start off by thanking all the spouses who take care of everything so that we can be dedicated to our science.
It always chafes me.
It sounds so much like the thank yous proffered military peeps.
I have realized the reason it chafes so much from both parties is that on some level it reinforces male-dominated culture. Rather than seeking to develop equal partnerships, both organizations rely upon unpaid labor on behalf of the spouse (who is almost always female; about 15% of faculty are female...similar to the military) in order for the organization to function. These "slack-picker-uppers" are expected to dedicate themselves to supporting the mission of the organization and put it first. They're work is less important. Parenting is just "taking care of everything." Are children just things to be taken care of? Aren't they people?
I find over and over that the spouse in a male-dominated organization is expected to espouse the female stereotypical phenotype, regardless of gender. This suggests that even when women, like me achieve parity with men, our spouses are expected to pay the price for our success. Somehow this seems like a serious problem and deeply anti-feminist. Case in point, MSM ran a blog about military socializing and warned spouses not to avoid social events because it might make the servicemember look "not-too-committed." It's 2012 and yet whether it's official or not, servicemembers are judged by how well they control their women (oh, excuse me...spouses).
Senior Jefe's command is particularly asshattish in this regard. They have told him that they won't give him time off to come see me, because if he wanted to spend time with me, he should have forced me to move there. Meanwhile they stick him with all overnight watches, because the other people there have "families" and shouldn't have to make arrangements for childcare. That's discrimination. They have told him that they doubt his ability to lead because he doesn't "control his woman" and if he would just "knock me up" I wouldn't have time to be off pursuing my interests or my career....
Oh, but we'll send out a message thanking spouses for everything they do to make the mission possible.
Ok. My head has been officially patted. Can you fuck off now, please?
I guess I am just sick of all the hypocritical bullshit that is military spouse appreciation day. I am tired of being patronized. I read an NPR story tonight where a spouse commented that she feels like the military expects her to be two people the person who runs everything while the servicemember is gone and then someone who fades into the shadows when he returns. I just wanted to yell, "Yes, exactly." And I can't be that woman. I don't want to be and I am never going to be.
And really until the military can accept that spouses are more than simply servicers of their needs, I just don't want anything to do with this hollow, hypocritical holiday. It's not that I don't believe that military spouses make a lot of sacrifices and that they don't do amazing things. It's just that I can't get into reinforcing negative gender-based stereotypes anymore. I suppose this means I won't really be recognizing this day again before I matriculate from my association with this organization.
If that makes me a bad person, feel free to tie me to a stake and burn me.
Rant: Fin.
10 comments:
That doesn't make you a bad person at all. It's hard to accept the annual accolades without a bit of cynicism, when the rest of the year it's business as usual.
I consider this like Valentine's or Mother's Day or any other Hallmarkified holiday -- if you're showing your love and appreciation willingly and often, you don't need one designated day for it.
Proudly called it quits from being a milspouse because I knew I would never be able to be all that my country wanted me to. Not that I don't have a tremendous amount of respect for milspouses and enjoyed my time. But I just knew it would crush my soul if we stayed. As I have blogged about, now that we are out and I am getting back into the civilian life, I feel like me again. And I had nothing like the sailing of the douche canoe that you are dealing with. I am sorry that you are being tramped on. xo aka Hil Fish
FUCK YEAH!
I really need to start up my new hypothetical blog... I have so many posts I keep half-drafting in my head.
This is my first foray into being sucked into family readiness bullshit, via my husband's billet, and it has been very eye-opening. And not in a good way.
Everything you are saying in this post IS ABSOLUTELY FUCKING TOTALLY TRUE. Don't apologize for the truth, cause I won't either. It might be easier for some spouses to just lay down and accept that things are the way they are, and that's their choice. But I will never stop struggling to make it known to everybody around me that I DO NOT inhabit the little box that they think they've put me in. I will always be a problem spouse in their minds, and I'm proud of it.
Oh, and sending hugs, just because it's so hard to be alone and not have anyone around who gets it. Keep writing. We get it.
All I can say is: true dat, my friend.
I don't get it and probably never will.
I've been an anonymous reader on your blog for awhile now, but this post really hit me. I've become increasingly bitter towards the military (to the point that it's led to some pretty awful fights), but I think you pretty much articulated every single problem I have with it.
I felt the exact same way during Milspouse Appreciation Day, and I think your husband's command and mine are pretty much the same (albeit, my husband's Army). His command is really fond of saying things like, "Providing support for the military family so they can support the soldier," and other bullshit like that, but it's not really true.
After all, if they supported "the military family," wouldn't they have to DO something for ALL of them? As it is, I get condescended to by service members because I'm a spouse and I get snide looks by spouses because I'm voluntarily leaving my husband to pursue a graduate degree. What's best for our marriage is our business, but damn, people sure do like to stick their noses into it.
The ironic thing is that milspouse appreciation day should probably be about appreciating ALL of us, and not just those of us who happen to "fit the mold."
@laylaandmajnuun Thanks for the comment. I was about where it sounds like you are when I packed up to go to grad school.
Good Luck! It's hard to be separated, but on my less cranky days I know that I am so much happier now than when I was trying to be a good milspouse.
Oh hell yeah! You maam are my hero. Now lets pitch in male spouses. Where the fuck do they fit in? Usually female Sailors are married to Sailors or Marines. But theres oddballs who are married to civilians. And my situation, im married to a boy who couldnt make it past a school. Yeah. Is pretty bad when your wife can not only make ot farther than you, but she wipes the floor with your ass career wise. So hes very mentally ill, so i guess i can see why he didnt make it as far as me but idk how hes supposed to fit in now. If he goes to the squadron, the boys will give him shit for him not only making it in the service, they will roast his ass for not taking care of me to thier standards. And if he goes to the frg, the boys at work wont want that crazy man around thier wives and kids. So david gave up to the point of he refuses to get contacted by the squadron and if someone Navy related calls he cusses them out just because he can. He saw a chief at a recruiting station near his home so he tried to hit the guy with his truck. I wont get him a dependent id because im scared he will shoot up the base. So how do i handle that? How do i make that military spouse feel appreciated? Am i supposed to control my man or is he supposed to control me? Am i wrong for not being a Navy wife? Its funny how theres that wierd double standard btwn wives and female service members. Or how we dont know if were supposed to sit with the boys or sit with the wives. And we constantly have to worry about how were viewed since if you get too close to a male, even if its just a father daughter thing all hell is gonna break loose. Its just wierd for me at least.
At some point, I will write a post about the stereotypes female service members and their spouses face. You're right. There is a huge double standard for female service members. I find it pathetic that male service members sleep with female service members and if she gets pregnant, she must be "trying to get out of deployment." Last time I checked, it takes 2 to tango. Then there is the whole, female service members all must be sluts. Yeah, whatever! Who cares if a woman has sex. Male service members sleep around, but that's a-okay? It's bullshit.
Just hang tough chica and remember haters gotta hate.
I had to laugh at the "control your woman" part. My husband has been told that twice since we've been married. All he's said in return is, "well, she IS right." He leaves it at that. I love him. In fact we're about due for one of those, and I'm sure it's coming with the new job assignment that starts this summer. The thing I will miss most about ROTC is there were no social functions, no FRG, no bullshit. It was like family. It's the only time we've been assigned somewhere I knew if something happened and I really needed help, I could call anyone, day or night, and they'd help.
Amanda, it's awesome you found such a wonderful, supportive environment, even if it was brief.
The control your woman comment will follow you from place to place. They've been one of the few constants of Navy life. There is a very vitriolic feminist post brewing over here. I just haven't calmed down enough to write it yet.
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