Someone asked me how I have balanced my husband's military service with my career. It is too convoluted to try to answer back in a comment.
There is no magic recipe that seems to work and I am not sure I have completely figured out the answer to this question, even after 6 yrs of successfully managing it. I think the recipe depends heavily on the two people involved. I have really struggled with finding a balance because I don't think I ever really got how much my life was about to change until I was in it. I remember talking with Senior Jefe about everything long before we married and I knew he would be gone and I knew it would be hard to manage my career and his, but I didn't get how much community pressures would affect me. We got married and it was like a switch was flipped and a lot of spouses and their husbands started weighing in on our marriage. I should drop out of school. He wasn't keeping control of his woman and therefore wasn't a good officer. It was insane. Add in all the normal stuff of pre-deployment work ups, which never feel normal the first time, and some health issues (They found a suspicious lump that looked cancerous) and it was just an overwhelming whirl wind and I dropped out of IVY U, because I couldn't deal.
Pretty rapidly I realized I couldn't cope with being home all day. It was so boring. We only had one car and so having my own life was difficult and because everyone had kids and I didn't, so it felt like there wasn't much I had in common with the other spouses. Everyone started in on how we had to have children, which would then "keep me too busy to have a fuss about having my own career". I went and looked for a job and found a couple nice consulting jobs, which were really awesome about the craziness of military life.
All of the interference was really painful. I was so shocked that people didn't even try to like me for me. I went through a real depression when we moved to NPS and I had no job opportunities within an hour drive of the house. It got to be a really dark time for me and that was what really encouraged my husband to push me to think about going back to school.
I don't know if I would have jumped in with both feet if I had realized how hard it was going to be to not just be separated due to deployments, but also because of choices I was making. We both have been through some major health problems over the past couple years. People seem to assume we love each other less than "normal people" love their spouses because we live this pseudohobo existence.
I don't think the long-term solution for us is the geobachelor status. It makes everyday feel like a deployment and that sucks, but I also don't believe I will ever feel fulfilled not working. I am glad I went back to school to pursue the PhD so that one way or another I know I didn't leave it behind because I got married. I also think BIG U has been very instructive for me about what I do want in a job and a future and it is not the BS ego-mill of academia. I think I need to find something that allows me to pursue my intellectual interests, but also allows me the freedom to take the time I sometimes need to keep my family together. I have been thinking about starting my own consulting firm. We'll see. It all seems pretty far away still. If we decide to have kids, it will change things again.
I think the big key to making it all work is being able to really honestly communicate. Sometimes I can tell that the answer Senior Jefe gives me is dependent on his relationship with me. So we have times where we talk as just good friends and not as lovers or spouses, so that we can take the emotion out of it and just deal with the cold hard facts of what's best for us. I am not going to tell anyone that it is easy to carve out your own space as a military spouse, because both society and military culture will try to push you into the little box they have created in their minds for you. I am not going to tell you it isn't a challenge to follow your career across multiple jobs and moves about the country.
What I can tell you is that more and more military spouses are quietly going about doing just that, so it is easy to believe you are alone swimming against the current. Nevertheless, be willing to talk to people and seek assistance when you need it. Life doesn't occur in a vacuum. You have to have a really strong sense of self-worth and be centered in the knowledge that you are doing what is best for your family and be willing to listen to your heart. I also think having a lot of understanding for the people who will pressure you to go with the flow helps. I fought outright with people those first few years and it was mostly a wasted exercise. Some people will try to enforce their will because they believe they know what is best for you, but a lot of people simply are frustrated with their own choices to be pressured into a particular way of doing things and want others to be just a miserable. Neither position in enviable. Remember to be charitable to yourself too. Don't hold yourself to impossible standards and hire a housekeeper if that's what you need to free up your time for the important things.
Lastly, I'd say be flexible and imaginative in how to use your skills. I don't have a traditional portable career and I never will, but I have found interesting ways to use my skills everywhere I have been. I also talk to people in my field all the time. I constantly check what's hot and try to keep on top of the most in-demand skills. I always check the classified ads in professional journals every month so I know what is available in my field. Oh, and my friend, who is not a military spouse but is extremely wise, said that you should nominate yourself for one small award or grant in your field a year. A lot of the small ones get very few people applying to them, so you are almost a shoe-in and then you make yourself look even more awesome on paper.
There really is no right way to be a military spouse beyond the way that works best for you and your spouse. And the military spouse you are today is not the spouse you are going to be tomorrow, because your life and your career are going to evolve as you evolve as a person.
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