I think I am taking Max's death harder than I realized. I just feel like the wind has really been taken out of my sails. It's made me spend a whole lot more time than I normally do thinking about how much I miss Senior Jefe everyday and how much I hate being away from him. I am really happy that I am going to Maui this month with my bestie Heatha, but part of me wishes Jefe could get away and we could have made Mardi Gras, which was the original plan. everyday feels like an underwater slog.
I am feeling overwhelmed because I have so much of my own work to do and my days keep getting chunked up by meetings and dealing with the school kids. I am down at the school two days a week trying to get the kiddos ready for science fair. The kids who don't need my help are cruising along not needing my help. Everyone else on the other hand has done absolutely nothing over the course of this and has done nothing over the past few weeks of me coming down to the school 2x/wk. My last visit to the school before spring break is on Tuesday. Last Friday everyone finally figured out time was almost up and they all wanted a piece of me. I assume Tuesday will be no different. The irony is that the week after next is spring break and the week after that is regional science fair. Most of these kids have procrastinated so long that I'd be amazed if they are able to present something. I wish I didn't care so much about the kids, because then their progress or lack thereof would be less of an issue for me.
While I have been trying to rescue these kids from science fair embarrassment, my stuff hasn't been getting done. Most of my work requires 12/14 hr blocks of time to run with me sitting there the entire time. Unless I don't want to sleep, which I don't see as an option, I haven't had a 14 hr block to do anything and so I am just watching the clock run down on my stuff. I am not getting paid this summer and so all this science fair stuff is making it pretty certain that in order to keep myself on track, I will have to work all summer for free. Jefe says not to worry, that he'll take care of everything, but I feel badly about that. I don't like him having to pay for my stuff.
Being behind makes me feel guilty about Maui and about going to DC for a conference. I need my lab bench. I want my lab bench. I also need to network with the peeps in DC. Job hunting for me isn't that far away, though it feels further because I am behind the 8-ball right now. Maybe sitting on the beach will be a good thing? Maybe it will force me to chillax. On that note, I am going to go to the lab and try to get a zillion things done on the only day I have to do that. Hopefully, I can get to a place where things will work themselves out.
3 comments:
Do NOT feel guilty about Maui. Take it as the gift it is -- a time to relax and collect yourself and return rejuvenated. And have a drink in a coconut for me!
High school kids can be so frustrating. At least that is almost over, and maybe you can go on lab blitz when it's all over.
And Jefe "paying for you"- it's an investment! It's gonna pay off one day. Maybe when he retires he can put his feet up and you can be the breadwinner. Husband jokes that he's going to be a Wal-Mart greeter when he gets out, so I better have a good job. But I know how you feel. Sometimes I feel it's "his money" but really, it's ours. He never does anything to make me feel like that. Good luck. Breath. And I'm thinking about you...
Thanks ladies. You're wonderful as always.
The sad thing is that the longer I am a kept woman, the less desire I have to be the breadwinner. It has been a hot topic in the household lately. I guess I don't mind racking up income and putting it in a joint account, as long as he pays the bills. I know, it makes no sense at all, but there it is.
I am trying to lab blitz it out this week before DC, even though I am not sure it is a great idea. There is a reason for it though. The kiddos will just have to deal with science fair. I can't rescue every sinking ship in a storm, especially if my little boat seems to be taking on water.
Yes, I know it's a bad navy reference.
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