Bursting my Bubble, kind of

The past few weeks I have been nearly absent from everything. Senior Jefe was home and I wanted to spend what time I could with him. We picked a paint color for the bathroom, hung new towel bars, touched up the spare bedroom, worked in the garden, hung out with friends and drove halfway across the country as part of his PCS and my conference debacle. It was busy, busy.
The last couple of days of the trip I went to a conference, which I am debating whether or not I will ever speak of it again. It was a first order debacle, but even that was educational in light of my quest to figure out who I should be when I grow up. At least my list is narrowing. We stayed at LAW's house, which was probably the best thing we could have done.
Senior Jefe originally was going to just drop me and leave me there while he headed South, but plans changed. I asked him to stay. I'm not going to see him until Christmas and I just wanted to hold on a little longer. I'm selfish like that.
Usually the last few days together are awkward, the air filled with all the things we want to say but can't. Driving initially took the edge off most of that, since the car would get too claustrophobic if we focused on all that emotional weight. When we arrived at LAW's she took us in, played Mom, gave us a lecture even, and made us feel home. It was home not in the temporary way in which you know you'll be here for X number of days, weeks, months or years until the Navy rips the rug out from under us again. It felt substantial and real, a place for a soft landing where we could really rest without all of the overwhelming crap that's coming following us. It must be a Mom thing, that's all I can figure.
Senior Jefe and I weren't chased by all the things we wanted to say the way we normally are. I actually slept. We had fun. He got an old school shave, which made him so happy. I had a nice long coffee and chat with LAW. Girl-time is hard to find for me. I told her the truth of my fears of what is coming, what might be coming. These are things I don't really talk to anyone about and she got it. She made me realize I wasn't the only one who keeps the phone cued to my husband's call, or checks to see if he responded to email, who feels the emptiness of the house when you spouse is gone. It was hard in some respects to see, because it was a reflection of me, except for the fact that I think she is far stronger than I am. God, 4 deployments, it seems too much.
LAW is the military version of the Momma Bear. I wish more people would see this. There is a reason she is so intensely invested in milspouse/milfam issues, among many other issues. She's been there and done it not just as a spouse, but as a parent and a friend. It is a shame that many of the big wig spouses at some of these milfam organizations don't see just how fierce and wonderful of an asset she could be for them. She's the woman you want to have your back.
In the warm safety blanket of her home she wrapped us and we chatted of many things and rested our heads, enjoying the summer evening breezes and I was able to forget, ever so briefly, what I am worried about. It wasn't until yesterday morning at 0300, when Senior Jefe got me out of bed to go to the airport, so he could head South to check-in at his new command, and I saw him transformed, once again from my spouse to sailor in his freshly pressed uniform, that I remembered my bubble was about to burst and we were going to be back to reality in mere moments. Another goodbye, another period of waiting for the phone to ring, another round of guilt when things go wrong and I am not there to pick up the pieces.
Regardless of who I may be in the future, for now, this is who I am, a smaller, less stalwart reflection of LAW. Let me tell you, I could do far worse with my life.