Putting yourself first

I have been following a blog of a gf of a navy guy for a while now. She is having a hard time coping with the stressors of military life. Her choice of the phrase "miserable" to title a blog post got me thinking about the really depressing times I have had as a military spouse. While I left a long comment on her blog (which I am not linking here, because I don't want her to feel like this post is about her and not the issues she raises), I felt that what I want to say is important enough to repeat here. The truth of the matter is that at some point every military spouse ends up facing down this issue and how you deal with it is what is important.

It can be really easy to lose yourself to the military life to the point where you wake up one day you feel like your whole life is being taken over by the accommodations you are making because you think that is what is necessary in order to make the relationship work. I know. I have so been there. About 4 yrs ago, Senior Jefe and I moved to a place where the closest opportunity for work was a 2 h (one way) commute each day. Obviously, I did not take a job. This turned into a problem for me. I have always defined myself by my job. It gives me purpose. Suddenly, I felt adrift. I had already been adrift a bit already after leaving my PhD program shortly after I got married. That was a real blow to my ego. Everyday I had nothing to do but clean, play games and talk to friends on the phone. We were so broke that I couldn't afford to go do things I normally enjoyed. I had no car. I was isolated in a very real way. Then we moved to TX and the same thing happened again. I grew more and more frustrated. I couldn't believe what was happening to my life. What about my plans, my goals, my dreams and things that were important to me? I was so unhappy, depressed, and unable to cope. I was a hot mess.

It negatively impacted my relationship with my spouse, because I blamed him for the situation even if realistically he was as up against the wall as I was, albeit in different ways. He saw what was going on and had the foresight to push me to start taking better care of myself and to go back to school and get my PhD. At the time I felt like he was telling me what to do, that he was being patronizing. I didn't feel ready to go back to school because I was in such a poor frame of mind. And I started my PhD program being a mess.

At this point I had some really good people intervene in my life and point out that I was a mess and needed help. I resented them for it. Senior Jefe was a mess on his own between things the Navy was pulling and the stress of us being apart, but he encouraged me to follow through and get help. I did. It didn't work at first. The first shrink I went to was an idiot. I found another. I worried my relationship wouldn't make it through the separation, the exhaustion, the anxiety that comes with being apart and I have struggled with it every day of the past 3.5 yrs. My current shrink is awesome. She never pushed me to hard, just hard enough, and got me to start doing basic things for myself again like sleeping more than 4 hrs a night, eating healthier, getting exercise, journaling and taking the risk of going out with new people from school in order to make friends. My progress was stilted and I didn't always do that well at things. I felt like I was just failing at everything day after day. I still hated myself, hated that the Navy forces Senior Jefe to put it first, sometimes at my expense. I wanted to quit.

Then something amazing happened. I woke up one day and I just didn't quite feel as badly. I was looking better. My clothes fit better. I had more energy. I felt like I could cope. Sometimes I fall off the proverbial wagon and start ignoring the ever important self-care. After 8 years, I have begun to realize that when I do that, I tend to start feeling really badly again. Each time I go through the cycle, I tend to recognize it more quickly and manage to right myself without sinking so far down into the abyss. It's a balancing act and it is really hard in a relationship of any sort with the military to maintain that sense of balance and perspective.

The other thing that is really difficult is being in a long-distance relationship. I did this both before Senior Jefe and I got married, while I was finishing my Master's degree and I am doing it now. There aren't significant appreciable differences honestly.  I saved all of our emails from when we were dating and I remember how frustrated I would get when he couldn't put me first. This came to a head when we were engaged. I was in Norfolk and it was his birthday.  In anticipation of his arrival from work, I spent the whole day cooking and preparing for his birthday. Six o'clock came and went. Ten p.m. passed without a word. I called his cell...nothing. When he called at midnight, I had already cleared away the dinner plates and finished crying my eyes out. I was so livid. The Chief Engineer had held everyone back to finish something (I don't remember what) and he couldn't get away to call. This happened a lot when he was in engineering and it hurt like hell, until I got squared away and busy with my own life, my own friends, my own personal journey. When I had those things, it was easier. When we get time together, I live every second of it to the fullest, but I also have my own life. I think it is really easy to put oneself in a holding pattern, waiting for something to happen (a phone call, a skype call, email, him coming home from work). I think this is dangerous territory, because you wake up one day saying things like "I have given up everything for him, for this relationship, and that's not being appreciated". I know. Those words have crossed my lips more than once.

Life is too short to spend it waiting for something to happen. You really do have to live every day as if it were your last and that means putting yourself first. And look, the risk is that you are going to miss a phone call here or there and you know what, that hurts and there are real risks attached to it. We all worry that the phone call we miss will be the last phone call we get. But, I would argue, and I bet if you asked your S.O. s/he would agree, your SO wants you to go out and live and be happy. That is a big part of why they are making the sacrifices they do. Honoring those sacrifices means living and loving life and that by far is the hardest lesson most military spouses and family members have to learn, because part of you will always feel guilty for living life to the fullest, the way your servicemember would want you to. When I start to feel guilty, I always remember that whether it's 1 day or 20 years, this ride will come to an end and eventually Senior Jefe will be a civilian again and we will lead a "normal" life. We both need to decide every day what we will have to show for the time we've spent. I don't ever want to look back and wish that I had lived the life I had imagined.

One of the few good things my mother told me was that I am like a pitcher of water. If I give and give and give my life force (water) away without ever filling myself up at the well, I will eventually run out. However, if I make sure I fill my pitcher first, I will be able to give to those around me when they need me. This should be the first law for military spouses: put yourself first. Maybe we should make it a motto. Instead of "Sailors first; mission always" we should go with "Spouses first; family always" ??

Leave me a comment if you can come up with a better credo. And leave a comment if you have some insight on how to cope. I think this is something every one of us struggles with.