Military spouses are so entitled; where do they get off? (Long)

Wife During War wrote a superb piece about the impact of the potential shutdown on military families, which I shared on my FB wall. One of the comments on my wall in response was,

 " i don't like paragraph 3. this paragraph, like most military wives i know seem to put themselves into their own little party/group like they are more important or special than others... that's what i read in this paragraph as well. like...they're better than everyone else. i don't understand where that mentality comes from. please don't hate me for saying that!"

What did paragraph 3 say? Here it is:

"I can tell you how it feels to us. It feels like the country that we sacrifice for, and that our spouses/sons/daughters/mothers/fathers risk their lives for couldn’t give a damn about us. It feels like the American people have become so heartless, so petty, and so small minded that getting their own is the only thing is that matters and if people get hurt so what. And yes, my fellow citizens, you have a part to play in this too. You elected these people. You gave them the ‘mandate’ to push your own ideologies ahead of everyone else’s and not to compromise or act like grownups. Don’t think that you’re blameless in all of this, although ultimately the responsibility for thousands of starving military families will fall on the politicians whose petty political wrangling was far more important than the survival of the families whose loved ones are overseas fighting for this country."

Do I entirely agree with all of Wife During War's statements? No, of course not. I don't entirely agree with anyone on anything. It's my contrarian nature. But Wife During War's husband is deployed...again and she like so many military spouses has been uprooted over and over.

I was already thinking about many of the shitty comments my so called "friends" and "family" made last week as we headed toward what would be financial disaster for so many military families, many of whom are bearing the stress of one of their family members either deployed, injured, or suffering mental illness or distress. I was thinking about whether military spouses are actually justified in claiming what these people see as privilege. Here's what I decided.

In many respects, military spouses may see me as privileged. I have had a reasonably stable home for 3 whole years as I have been completing my doctoral work in a field that interests me. I have made friends with people I see every week and whom I can depend on when things go wrong and celebrate with when things go right. I also spend the majority of my evenings before my husband goes to sleep, if he's available, chatting with him over google video chat. This pushes my research into the late night/early morning hours, when normal people sleep and then I still have to work regular business hours. I am lucky.

The year before I moved here to school, leaving my husband to geobachelor it with the military, we lived 4 different places (in 1 yr). That is just long enough to unpack and repack. I had emergency gall bladder surgery after fighting with Tricare (our insurance) for 3 mos to convince them that I was in fact ill. I had been for the entirety of our marriage, but it had finally gotten so bad that I couldn't eat. My husband was in a deep depression and I was facing down an IA with zero support. I couldn't get a hold of anyone who could even explain to me what was happening, nor could anyone even tell my husband what his job would be (which would have helped manage my stress). We were in debt, because we had to put $3K down (1.5 mo rent for security deposit) on the apartment  in CA, which the landlord refused to repay because he went into foreclosure. He filed bankruptcy after I got a judgement against him in court. I was unemployed, because let's face it, who hires someone who has moved so many times in one year. It was the worst year of my life since I left home. I didn't have any way to get around because we were sharing one car and TX, where we were is ridiculously spread out. It was hell. And you know what, I still had it better than many military families. That's right, that hellish year was a good year compared to what many families experience.

Why was it a good year? I may have been facing down a deployment (#2 he had been deployed the previous year), but I still had my spouse and he was still safe. My husband is an officer, so we still made enough money that we could, even with our losses in CA,  cover ourselves on his salary alone. Many military families aren't so lucky. Many enlisted families live below the poverty line, even as these young men and women put their lives on the line for our country. My husband isn't and wasn't on his 5th or 6th tour to a war zone. He wasn't wounded. He wasn't struggling with PTSD. Many spouses are struggling to get their educations; I had my MS in geology, which is easily marketable, before I got married. And I didn't have kids to worry about, as far as childcare v. salary considerations, being their emotional rock when I was feeling a mess, etc. Like I said, as military spouses go, I lead a damn charmed life.

Do these spouses deserve the right to draw a line and say enough is enough and stop politicking on the backs of our servicemembers and their families? Hell yes. The strain on military families is enormous. There is really nothing quite like it. And it affects every military family in different ways and to different degrees, depending on the support systems available. I think these few posts give an idea of a small fraction of the spectrum of issues military families face. Before you respond with any self-indulgent comments about how civilians have it every bit as hard, please take time to read and ponder them.

The biggest problem I struggle with as a military spouse is the uncertainty. Everything is uncertain. In my time here at BIGU (so 3 yrs), I have announced at different points: "Senior Jefe is getting out of the Navy"...wait no: "Senior Jefe is being IAed to Afghanistan" wait, no: "Senior Jefe has been sent back to TX and will be there for the next 18 mos", wait, no: "Senior Jefe will be in VA for 2 yrs", wait, no: "Senior Jefe is going to school near DC", "Oh he's done with that school, now he's in RI for another one", wait, no: "He's going to Japan" wait, no: "They're sending him to VA again". Even when orders are issued, I no longer take them seriously. The Navy will surely change it's mind. My life is up in the air again as I finish my PhD. Where do I get a job? Do I take the risk and bet that Senior Jefe will in fact be in VA? For all my luck, the anxiety of never being able to plan, of starting over multiple times per year, wears on me.

Psychologists have identified the top 10 stressful events in life. They include: Death in the family, Separation from a spouse (for any reason), Change in Job, and Moving, among others. These are things military spouses face every year and sometimes multiple times in a year. At the same time they are responsible for the mental and physical well being of our families. We have little to no family support. We may or may not have support from other military families. Most people don't have to start over every year, often without the support of their spouse or family. So to have these people then turn and suggest we are somehow entitled is insulting. Despite my luck, I have to see a therapist every week in order to cope and be okay, because having my life in flux constantly is terrifying. Nothing is certain. I don't take for granted that things will be okay, because I have far too many examples of where it hasn't been okay for military families. Too many military members and spouses have been crushed under the weight of the uncertainty, of the strain, of the war.

Military families need to advocate for themselves. We need to speak up, even if the public, like my "friends" and my "family" calls us names, even if they spit on us. No one is looking out for military families. No one is looking after my friend, whose son is having panic attacks, or my other friend whose children are convinced that every time their dad puts on the uniform it means he's disappearing from lives again. No one is looking after my friend who is suicidal from the strain, or even my friends who aren't, but who are showing the signs of the constant wear and tear on their lives.

I learned a poweful lesson last week as my life was thrown into flux again. A couple (as in 2) of my civilian friends did offer to help. Many of them told me that I didn't have the right to feel what I was feeling or acknowledge the stress of having my plans thrown out the window again, of facing down the yawning maw of uncertainty. Ironically the only people who acknowledged my fears and who set about to help me face them, were Snarky Navy Wife, Kimba, LAW and Unlikely Wife (as well as few others who do not have handles and so will remain nameless). These women blew up my phone and email with messages of love and support, as well as tips on how to face the next uncertainty. It made me realize that although I interface with civilians everyday, most seem to be under the delusion that the military is a job, like stocking shelves at Walmart. They don't see the uncertainty, the strain, even when it is under their noses. When military spouses speak up about the challenges we face, we aren't being entitled, we're informing people that our lives are different and we do in fact need the help and support of the communities around us.

My letter to Glamour: Response to Surrogacy Coverage

I was still pretty pissed off even after trying to blog this out of my system, so I followed it up with a letter to Glamour regarding the military spouse surrogacy article. Please follow it up with a letter of your own. Here is the address for comments. BTW, there is a group of spouses who are getting together to do an "and I'm a military spouse" campaign, which I talked about in my last post. If you are feeling like contributing hit me up in the comments or send me an email.

Here is mine, feel free to borrow liberally from this letter if you aren't feeling verbally inspired or are too angry to articulate how you feel:

Dear Editor:
I read the online edition of your article about Military Spouse Surrogacy. It left me frustrated for many reasons. I am a military spouse of 6 yrs and I agree that military spouses should not use Tricare for surrogacy coverage, if for no other reason than because I am frustrated that I can never get an OBGYN appointment when I need one. What incensed me, however, was the portrayal of surrogacy as the only profession available for a military spouse. Some military spouses may choose this as a profession, but to paint us all as nothing more than wombs for rent is insulting.
Military spouses contribute to society in many ways. Many are the volunteer backbone that takes care of our fighting forces, our wounded, military children, our veterans and our widows. Many are well educated and gainfully employed as teachers, nurses, doctors, mental health professionals, writers, college professors, graduate students, and scientists. We are essentially just like every other Glamour reader, except every couple years we pack up, move to a new place, and start our careers all over while we raise our families as part-time single parents and worry that the knock on the door means the love of our lives is dead.
I understand the need to call out those who abuse a system put in place to care for military family’s real health needs and I do not disagree with your choice to do so. However, I must request that you not engage in stereotyping military spouses. We sacrifice a lot in order for your magazine to enjoy freedom of the press and while we make those sacrifices, we continue to be productive, honorable citizens of the United States of America. I would sincerely look forward to balanced coverage of these military spouses who manage all the modern working woman does, while balancing family needs and caring for our service members. These women who do so much with so little are unsung American Heroines.
Sincerely,
Smurfette, M.S.

Surrogacy and the military spouse: the only job option?

About 2.5 years ago I read a magazine article about military spouses serving as surrogates to other families with Tricare footing the bill for health coverage, which in my opinion is a clear cut case of "fraud, waste, and abuse" of government resources. Apparently this was either never looked into or nobody cared, but now it's cropped up again and is breaking news, probably because the economy is crappier now and people are more worried about how the government is spending it's money. Spouse buzz has written up a piece on it and they rightly pointed out that the Glamour article basically states that contributing to household income is "otherwise unattainable" outside of being a surrogate. Good Morning America interview said that:

"They move around a lot, so they really can't get their teeth into a career, and if they want to contribute to society and do something useful, it's a good use of their time," said Brisman, whose agency employs about 20 military surrogate mothers out of more than 200."[Emphasis my own]

Glamour and military spouses who believe this statement, I am calling you out. Is it hard to keep a job and move around all the time? Yes. Is it doable? Absolutely. Why can't Glamour run an article about all the home based business military spouses run, about the CPAs, lawyers, doctors, nurses and teachers that are military spouses? Why not write about Jehanne Dubrow, who is a college professor and a military spouse? I have really, really had my fill of society and military spouses selling military spouses short of their potential. No one is ever going to value military spouses' myraid and varied contributions to society until we advertise them and tell people we don't want another article about "Poor me, helpless woman who can't do more than be a baby factory". I am not saying military spouses don't have to do more with less. And I am not saying being a stay-at-home mom is a bad decision. There seems to be this culture in the military community where being military spouse can be used as an excuse for not going out there and pursuing personal and professional development. In fact, if anything, what I have experienced over the past 6 yrs has been my husband's commands telling him he just needs to get me pregnant so it's easier to control me. I have experienced military spouses getting angry with me because I have a career and I don't accept that I married a sailor and therefore I no longer have choices about how to live my life and conduct my business. I have experienced service members who have less education and life experience than me (i.e. green around the gills Ensigns) talk down to me, because "they're on the ship". I have experienced professionals and faculty who think I am stupid because I married someone in the military and have said as much. All of this has lead me to believe that military spouses on the whole allow themselves to be convinced of  these negative stereotypes and then internalize them and embrace them.

There is nothing wrong with surrogacy as a way to make money per se. I can see how it might be a good short-term option for someone who wants to be home with their little ones, but using the "this is the only job option available" is really not true. Nor is it fair or appropriate to suck up obstetric appointments from military families trying to have babies of their own, so you can make an extra buck. Seen in this light, using Tricare for surrogacy is basically earning your money at the cost of other military spouses, which is really inappropriate and smacks of a level of selfishness I am unable to quantify. It makes me furious, because I have had to pay out of pocket for an annual exam because I can never get an appointment at an MTF.

There are other options out there and lots of other careers a woman, a military spouse, can undertake. It is simply unfair for military spouses who can't or don't see the big picture that there is a big world out there and there are lots of careers available that are interesting, challenging and contribute to society that are portable to dictate the dialog. Yes, it is more work to pursue them and it is more challenging to keep up in your field and contribute when you move all the time. But it isn't impossible, it simply requires the same ingenuity we apply so well to other aspects of military family life to personal and professional growth and development.

I know GMA and Glamour will never read this blog. They will never run a feature on all the great careers and personal contributions military spouses make outside of being a baby factory. It isn't the type of story that sells magazines. But for those women who are considering surrogacy on Tricare's dime, I want you to think about this. When you allow yourself to be put out there in the media saying that this is the only option available for military spouses and then they say that you are basically conducting "government fraud, waste and abuse" by not following Tricare's rules, you are making not only other military spouses look bad during an unpopular war, you are making the military organization look bad. This makes their jobs, as well as our jobs as spouses, harder. It increases the disconnect civilians feel with the military. It means that in less than 24 hours, when I go to work among professionals, I will be asked to justify your behavior and choices, because the professionals I work with keep up with the news and they view me as a representative of the military community and they will expect that I have some sort of insight into this craziness, which I don't.

It's things like this, and the things my husband's commands continue to say, and people who seem to think I signed up for having my life hijacked and that I should "suck it up and drive on", that make ME feel disconnected from the military community. I wake up everyday in No Man's Land, where I don't understand asking less of yourself or giving up on your dreams because of who you married any more than I understand a complete lack of civic responsibility and dedication to seeing our nation succeed together. There is no support group for I have my own career and life, but I support his career too. To me this is the story, because there are occasional glimmers, women and men who pop up on the internet who are professionals and military spouses, but then they inevitably disappear, probably because they are too damn busy to hang on the internet all the time. And so every once in a while, I think what I am doing is pretty normal, that military spouses are really just a subset of society and so you will find all the same types of people here as you do in civilian society. But what gets promulgated from larger organizations is largely the same old same old. I tell myself that the glimmers of hope are what's important. I tell myself that although it is slow going, there is a sea change coming in which the same old mantra will no longer be used to beat up military spouses who challenge the status quo and live this lifestyle differently. Then I see things like this and it makes me really angry and really depressed that what we continue to put out there about ourselves is so mindnumbing, so 1950s, so backward.

I want military families to be able to earn a decent living, so that if you need to be home with little ones, you can. I don't want military families living below the poverty line. All these things require choices. They require that maybe you put off having kids right away and get an education that will lead to a well paid portable career and that means sacrifice on your part and your spouse's part. It means learning that if you do have a kid, you can still get an education, like lots of single parent I meet (many of whom are working on advanced degrees). It means that we will have to work together as a community to support one another in these endeavors, so that you aren't disenfranchised and treated as a social pariah because you can't go to a play date in the middle of the day, but that there is some give and take and mutual respect between spouses who do work outside the home and those who chose not to. There is also responsibility for your choices. If you choose to stay at home, then you can't have the lifestyle of someone who has two incomes. You have to make do with less and you need to accept that is your choice and there is nothing wrong with it. But there are ways to make ends meet on one income with kids; I've seen it done. None of these things are going to happen, outside of small pockets I encounter from time to time unless we start having honest, intelligent discussions about them and I don't see that happening very much.

Military spouses have a choice about how they want to be viewed in the world. The people they put in charge of them to promulgate their viewpoints are the people that others look at and assume are a good representation of who we are as a whole. Right now they represent a large segment of the military spouse population, but they don't represent all of us. We need to raise people's consciousness about who we are, what we do, and how we do it. We need to inspire young military spouses to resist this notion that because you married a service member, your dreams and your life outside of this organization are over. Let's celebrate the stay-at-home moms, but let's also celebrate business leaders, teachers, nurses, scientists, dual-military couples, etc. The scientific community, a few years ago, put together a campaign of "I'm a scientist" commercials. The mormons subsequently ran a similar campaign "and I'm a mormon". I may not agree with the mormon church, but I do have sincere respect for their PR machine and I think they and the scientific community have this one right. We need an "And I'm a military spouse campaign". If we want America to connect with us in a positive way, then we need to put ourselves out there in a positive way and tell people who we are and how diverse we are. Then and only then can we effectively communicate what we need. But allowing this type of negative press to dictate the narrative is completely shameful and unless we do something about it, we have no one but ourselves to blame for the disconnect with American society.