I read a lot of people's blogs, internet forum posts, etc, many more than I actually comment on. On pervasive idea that keeps popping up is that milspouse stickers make you a target. Another is that living beyond the fence line makes you less safe. The list goes on from there.
It is difficult for me to ascertain whether these concerns stem from the applied stress of too many deployments over too many years, our if someone has convinced milspouse that bad guys are around every corner waiting for them.
There are legitimate concerns to be addressed, for sure. I am not, by any means, suggesting one should be utterly cavalier about personal security. I am suggesting that some reasonable risk assessment dispels fear. Most people are not out to get you. Most people don't know your spouse is deployed, even if you go shopping by yourself and even if they did, the majority of people don't mean you any harm.
I grew up in a public housing project. We moved frequently because of my mother's instability. She was convinced that people were spying on us, among other things. We grew up in a world constantly in the grip of paranoia and the next crisis. It was really hard to break myself from the cycle of fear, but it was really important for me.
Part of breaking the cycle of fear is taking small, safe risks and recognizing that nothing bad happens. This is often easiest in the context of safe relationships (i.e. friends). This is one of the hard parts about being a military spouse, because many of us move so frequently that it is difficult to maintain friendships, but there are good people out there.
I think most of my process with this occurred before I got married. I moved out to ID, far away from my family. I met a core group of guys that were in my major who were taking all the same classed I did. We went on a field trip together between freshman and sophomore year in UT, where we forgot our utensils and had to make them on the fly, hiked the Narrows (which scared the hell out of me because a boy scout troop was killed there 2 weeks before by a flash flood), and I sat on a Cactus, climbed mountains...all kinds of crazy things I never imagined. I also had to work nights, and would have to walk home at 2 am.
Sophomore year, I remember hanging off a cliff face by one palm and one foot with sheer slopes below to the treetops w/ my ex-Marine friend. This same friend saved my skin when we were shot at by drunk hunters (yes, we had our vests on). Junior year our band got stuck in a pop-up sleet storm in the field and had to make our own shelter. We set off a rock avalanche and nearly got taken out by a rattlesnake, got the van stuck in the playa. A friend saved my life on a glacier, when I nearly went into a crevasse. I left and started my MS and lived alone for the first time in my life.
Two years later, I set off for Albania for my MS work (when Albania still had NATO troops everywhere) and I had to do it alone. I was terrified. I didn't speak the language. Our town had a curfew. Everyone had AK-47s. Refugees flooded the roads each day. One night we had a flat tire and couldn't get back to the city before curfew. We were approached by a police officer who took my passport. My bodyguard, who was an Albanian special forces officer managed to talk his way out of the situation for us and got my passport back and got me back to the city. After a while, people got to know me in the area I worked. They came by bus loads to have lunch with "the American" and would even bring me fresh spring water on hot days. The two months in Albania were among the happiest in my life and with the exception of that one incident, I never feared at all during the time I was there.
Fast forward to now. I've been a military spouse for 6.5 yrs, Senior Jefe and I have been separated for all but 2 yrs (if you add up all the visits/ leave, etc) of that time. I travel at night, frequently, because I have to for my job. It is well known that I live alone and we have a serial rapist around here who targets young women. I am not worried. I'm cautious. I always watch who is around me. I know my neighbors and they watch over me. I have additional security measures in place, which I won't detail here, because I don't believe in being foolish. But I don't worry. Sure there are some bad people out there. Our local serial rapist is a prime example, but I know how to look like someone you don't want to mess with. Most people are really just busy living their own lives and they aren't really interested in yours. Rather than fear your surroundings, be aware of them, avoid potential problems, and if that doesn't prevent the threat, then use any and all means necessary to neutralize it.
I have put myself in some pretty dangerous situations, but inevitably what saved my skin was a combination of 1) situational awareness, 2) good people to rely on and 3) an unwillingness to concede the ground (i.e. physical, mental, and emotional strength). After all of the times I have nearly died, I can honestly say that I am not afraid of what life is going to bring toward me. I think that confidence helps protect me. I certainly don't worry when I go to the lab in the middle of the night, or go grocery shopping alone with my military license plate holder. There are risks in life. No matter what you do, there will always be risks. It's about mitigating the risks, without letting fear override your better judgement.
Life is too short to be afraid all of the time. If you need to feel safer, invest in a self-defense class, get a security system (USAA has great deals), take common sense precautions. But realize, this isn't the 1950s. You aren't the only woman alone, or alone with kids. This is more and more the norm. Most people aren't paying attention to you and you don't stick out as much as you might imagine. On the whole, you really don't need to be afraid. So get out there and start enjoying life and finding good people around you to help you achieve those goals. It's an amazing world out there and you should have the opportunity to see it and enjoy it without fear.
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