We are in the "to get out or not to get out; that is the question" place again. There are a myriad of reasons for this, which aren't subject matter for this blog. The point, in my mind is that the timing is bad...for me. Yep, 'cause I am that selfish.
I hope to be able to graduate as Dr. Slightly_Rifted next May, 12 months from next week. However, graduate school always makes life more complicated than it should be, so who knows, it could be longer. If "out" is the road taken and I am not done in 12 mos, then we could both be looking at being out of work at the same time. That would suck major monkey balls in my opinion. My advisor tells me not to worry, that there will be a job for me. I wish I could feel so cavalier about things. I think it's just so many years of being dirt poor. I am convinced, all the time, that the other shoe is going to drop and I'll be right back in the ghetto.
Anyway, the fellowship I have is a 2 yr gig and the gig is up at the end of the week. My last paycheck comes at the end of the month and BIGU, in it's infinite wisdom, doesn't really believe in paying it's students a living wage over the summer to get their research done. So I will be unemployed, but expected to work 40+ hrs a week. Gotta love the graduate school accounting, not. I will be working the 40+ hrs a week this summer in order to hit the magic graduation deadline for next May, but I am going to be one broke MFer for the forseeable future, because I do not qualify for financial aid because my husband makes too much $$, but when you split those $$ between 2 households, thanks to the Navy and you are trying to save like we're getting out in 24 mos, well...I feel broke.
At the same time, the plumbing in Casa de Slightly_Rifted has gone to hell in a handbasket. Thankfully, I know how to fix it, but the parts alone ran me about $200. Ouch. So tonight, I will be fixing plumbing when I should be doing research. I had to let my maid go, which made me super sad. I derived so much joy from having a clean house. It made me feel taken care of, something that one really appreciates when one is sleeping 3 hrs a night and working the rest of the time, but I need to bank the $$ in the savings account, so what's a girl to do?
And my Dad is being an ass. He called me up, after I have been telling him every time he has called for the past 2 mos that I can't talk...I need to sleep. He went on and on and on about Obama and his birth certificate. Told him I needed to sleep. On and on and on he went. Started screaming at him, because I am tired, PMSy and depressed and then he blamed me for being irrational. Told him to go eff himself and hung up and went to sleep for a whole 3 hrs before work. Told Senior Jefe to try to rationally explain to him that I can't deal with this BS right now. He told Senior Jefe that when I could be rational, I could call him. So I guess I won't be talking to him anytime soon, seeing as how rational people expect other people to respect those times when it's not a good time to listen to your delusional birther argument. Just sayin...
Went to work on Friday. The student teacher was given a scrap book for all her hard work. Made me feel like shit. I got diddly-squat. Always nice to know one is appreciated. Got a nasty email from our evaluator, which was sent to my boss, suggesting that because I did legitimately drop the ball on emailing her back, I must not attend BIGU anymore and could he confirm that. It went on from there, but you get the idea. I completely lost it. Yes, I did drop the ball. It got buried in my inbox, but she had been to my school before, she could have chosen any Friday to come evaluate me if I didn't respond. Anyway, whatever, I'm over it. I have killed myself to try to get these kids to do something meaningful in school and I haven't gotten the least bit of appreciation from anyone for it. I wonder if this is why they only give the fellowship for 2 yrs, because you are so burned out by the end of it, you never want to set foot in a classroom or deal with people ever again. I totally lost my shit over the whole thing.
I have been crying on and off all weekend. I had hoped planting a garden would make me feel better, but my dog decided to eat my Russian Black Prince Heirloom tomato plants right after I planted them. And my ICP run got effed up over the weekend, so I have to reprep all my samples and re-run them. Meanwhile all the other baby grad students are whining about how they come first. One of these people is the likely dirty pipettor culprit that injured me last week. I am so done with the BS.
FML, seriously.
I need this damn semester to end. I need a vacation. I need a drink or 12. I need to get my samples run so I know whether I am repeating the same experiment or conducting a new one this summer.
But mostly, I need about 6 weeks of sleep that I am not going to get.
3 comments:
You're spent. You're done and you somehow have to keep going. It is those moments where I usually throw my biggest fits. I totally understand how you hung up on your dad; and I can't imagine how the school situation made you feel.
But somewhere, there is one thing you can do everyday that will make you smile. I know it's cheese and maybe that isn't what you really want to hear. Even if that one thing is a drink every night, or falling asleep to a dirty movie, or trying those upside down tomato plant thingies to keep your dog away from them- do one thing every day that makes you a little bit happy. I sometimes think about how miserable some of the assholes in my life must be and that makes me smile, because I legitimately have good things going on. I know that isn't very nice, but you gotta do what you gotta do. Hugs, love and cuddles from Alabama. You'll get through it. But I know you're tired of it. Just know that it's really almost over, and your future can finally start happening. Love you.
It's good advice, the right advice, but when it comes down to a choice between explaining to your boss why something isn't done, sleeping, or doing other things to "take care of yourself", I find finishing assignments or sleeping to rank at the top of the list.
As for the topsy turvy, well, we had one. Sasha ate it. Um, yeah...down to ghetto-assed chicken wire, which depending on how poorly things go may have to be electrified. J/K
Okay, that last bit made me laugh. For realz.
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