The good, the bad...

Senior Jefe's  (great) Uncle Max died last night while I was talking to a friend. I found out this morning.
We went and saw Uncle Max in CA, while we were there. We took him to see his wife, Millie...well her grave anyway. We hadn't been able to attend the funeral and Senior Jefe wanted to pay his respects. Millie died about 18 mos ago. Max was so frail looking. We had visited 3 yrs before on a PCS from CA to TX. Millie was ill then, but Max, he was so young in someways. You would have, and I never did guess he was 84 at the time. Max told us when we visited that he had an aneurysm, that the doctors wanted to operate, but the surgeon told him he'd have a 5% chance of survival if he had the surgery. He chose not to do so. He told us how lonely he was without Millie, how sick, how in pain, how he prayed every day that God would let him die.

Senior Jefe's and Smurfette's wedding in 2004. Max is sitting in the background at the right side of the picture. Sadly the cabana was tiny and so we didn't good shots of Max and Millie together because Senior Jefe and I were standing in the middle of everyone.

In my heart I know that for him, death was a release and thus it's not a sad thing. But grief is very rarely an expression of what is best for the dead, and very much an expression of a sense of loss by the living. I selfishly want him back. I selfishly want more time. I want to tell him, even though I have before that I love him, that he and Millie were the only family on Senior Jefe's Mom's side who took me in and treated me like family, who loved me and that I am grateful everyday for that. They were the married couple I aspired to be like. They both loved each other so much that it filled every room in their home and you couldn't help but feel it envelope you when you walked through the door.
I loved them both so very much. And I am angry with myself for being kind of distant that day in CA. Death is an uncomfortable subject for me, so going to a grave really weirds me out. I don't feel like there are words to say. I don't believe that person is there at their grave after they die, so I don't understand visiting. I don't want to think of people that way. I'd rather pretend they were in a foreign country without email or phone and I can't get a hold of them, but that they're having an amazing time. I had a really hard time standing there looking at a square of rock with Millie's name carved in it. It was too surreal. I didn't have anything useful to say. I regret that for his sake.
Senior Jefe and I couldn't find a rock to leave on her headstone, so we left a seashell I had picked up at Laguna Beach the day before, the same strip of beach where we got married, the same place I met Max and Millie for the first time 6.5 yrs ago. Somehow that seems fitting.
Unfortunately, Senior Jefe's training schedule is so tight that I don't think he'll be able to go to the funeral on Thursday. I need to decide if we have the money for me to get a bereavement flight, but I don't know if I can get away with it being the first week of school. This was the same boat we were in when Millie died. Senior Jefe was out of town somewhere and I had lab work. I need to talk to Senior Jefe about this and see what he thinks. He has a test today, so he is off doing that right now. I hope he does amazingly well. I hope this doesn't take the wind out of his sails.


Max, I hope you know I love you with all my heart and I am grateful that you and Millie were there for us when no one else really was. I hope that if there is an afterlife, you and Millie are getting to hang out now and hold hands. Give her a hug and kiss for me.
Love,
Smurfette.