Making Sense of Everything

I took the week off after Max died. I called my advisors and just told them there was no point in my being there; I can't think clearly. They agreed, particularly because the next step in my experiment requires the use of hydrofluoric acid, which is pretty dangerous. They felt that in my current state, I would be an accident waiting to happen. I couldn't agree more.
I am thinking about going in tomorrow. I have a hair appointment. My hair doesn't seem to grow at all for weeks and then all of a sudden I'll wake up and have 0.75" new growth and look atrocious. My grandpa always said that when you are feeling blue you should dress your best and look your best. He believed it would make you feel better. I have always found that he was right about this. So tomorrow I will go get my hair done and then I am going to go to the lab and just do a bunch of prep work for really hitting the lab hard next week. It will be a long week to make up for this week.
Today, my goal is to just process my data from before Christmas. It's a goal I have had everyday this week. I just haven't felt up to it. There are only so many hours you can stare at a blank spreadsheet before you realize you aren't accomplishing anything. I was supposed to go and work with the kids at the high school today, but I just don't think I can deal with the kids BS. They're not bad kids, but they can really drive you up a wall on a good day and today is not a good day. I know, I sound like a giant wimp. I told them I would come down on Tues or Wed, since I am going to a State of the Union party at my friend's house Tues. night and so I will already be in the area. I am kind of frustrated that when I told them I woudn't be in because of what was going on, they were kind of pissy with me. BIGU gives 2 weeks for bereavement leave and technically I work for the University, not the school, so I don't really understand the attitude. I am taking 1 week (which translates to 1 day). Some people are jerks. That is the lesson.
It would have been a challenge to get there anyway since my street has not been plowed, and a couple of people in the neighborhood had to be pushed down the street to get out. I shoveled snow for 2h yesterday and then did the Pure Cardio and Cardio Abs. It is sad but this was the best thing in the world for me yesterday. There is nothing like feeling the burn to make you feel alive. Uncle Max was buried yesterday while I shoveled snow. I just needed to feel the sun on my back and the cold wind on my face and the silence created by the snow.
So that is what has happened the past few days. And this is what I have thought about:

The floral order for the funeral got screwed up, so I had to call Senior Jefe's Mom to figure out how it had gotten screwed up and how to fix it. She is always stressful to talk to, not just because she has said horrible things about me, but also because she has been pretty terrible to Senior Jefe. She was being reasonably nice, for her and she told me some interesting things I didn't know.
She told me how proud Max was of Senior Jefe, because despite her disapproval he had decided to stay in the military and make it a career. I knew Max had been in the Army during WWII. I didn't know he was in the first platoon on the beach at Normandy. I didn't know he had wanted to stay in the Army after WWII and his dad pressured him to get out, because good Jews apparently don't serve in the military as a career. He told her over and over how happy he was that Senior Jefe was in the Navy and living his dream. I thought this was really sweet and really empowering for me and for Senior Jefe. It has been hard to bear the brunt of so much pressure from his family because they couldn't understand or accept his service.
I realized that Max in many ways was like my grandpa. They both served in WWII. They both really lived for the other people in their lives. They both were quiet, kind, active and vital until the day they passed. They were both the best of men. I think that is part of why I love Max so much. I lost my grandpa when I was 12. He had promised me he would teach me how to drive when I was 15. It was the only promise he didn't keep.  I think Max fulfilled the role my grandpa used to play in my life. He gave me another chance to have a grandpa, someone to protect me and teach me and love me and support me.
She also told me that Max spent his last few days talking about the "great visit" he had with us, that it had made him really happy. That kind of lessened the burden of guilt I felt about how stressful that visit was for me, how much I wanted to run and get a breath of fresh air away from all the discussion of death.
I went through my pictures from CA yesterday and I found only one from that day that seemed to have value to me now. After we left Max's house Senior Jefe took me to the LA County Natural History Museum. It was where he wanted to propose, but things didn't work out. We wandered aimlessly through the halls and chatted about nothing important. We looked at all the gems and minerals. In the room with all the cut gems, Senior Jefe proposed to me again for good measure. We laughed and kissed and whispered while some lady with kids looked on disapprovingly and then we left.
As we walked out, the rain that had poured out of the sky for days stopped. There were huge puddles on the ground that slowed our progress toward the car and all of a sudden, I looked up and saw:

Rainbow over the LA County Natural History Museum, December 22nd 2010.

Double rainbow viewed from the parking lot of the Museum of Science and Industry, December 22nd 2010.

I love rainbows. They're magical. I mean I know what causes them and so I know it's not magic, but they feel magical. They are vibrant. The rainbow was just what I needed that day, after everything else. This and Senior Jefe is all I needed. And maybe that is the lesson to be gained by all of this. Senior Jefe is really the most important thing in my life and I am really lucky to have him.
So I have been thinking about what I want to do to memorialize Max, since I couldn't go to the funeral. I am thinking about planting a Ginko tree in the backyard.  I know I won't be here at BIGU forever, so it's not like I will always be able to see it, but I thought it would grow and provide shade for someone else someday. Ginkos are amazing trees, because they are some of the longest surviving trees through Earth's history. Recognizable fossils of the modern Ginko can be traced to the Permian period (270 million years ago). Their ancestors can be traced back to the early Jurassic. They are really a miracle tree. There are not many species that can survive not 1 but 2 mass extinction events (the Cretaceous and Permian).  And with it, I think I will plant a time capsule, so that someday someone else who lives here will know why I planted the tree and what Uncle Max meant to me.